Smile Though Your Heart is Aching

This isn't a pitty party, just my thoughts laid out for all of you.

I first experienced the death of a loved one when I was six years old. It was a cloudy day in Wyoming on January 14, 1999 (that day is also my closest cousins birthday so of course I was at his birthday party.) I remember my Grandma asking my older cousin to drive us to my house early, and most of the time I wouldn't want to leave the party early but this time I knew something was up and I was ok with leaving. We pulled into the drive way and I think I stopped breathing for what seemed like endless minutes. My sisters all came outside and I could tell they were crying, if you have not experienced the death of a loved one then you may not understand that no matter how old you are or where you are, you know the moment when they are gone. I knew he was gone. I had never had anyone I'd known die before so death was never explained to me and yet it seemed like I understood everything. I cried and cried, and it wasn't long before I fell asleep on the floor under my bed curled up in a ball. After that everything else is a blur, I can't tell you when the funeral was, or the events that took place the rest of the year. I can tell you I remember how I felt, and how much it hurts. I know that he went to a better place and that my family is stronger because we didn't have a man to do the hard things for us. There are so many lessons to be learned from every experience you have and I am pretty good about having a positive attitude about it because I know that, but I am human and I have weaknesses. I still cry and I still have a hard time this time of the year.

Now since then I have lost many close friends and family members and it seems like no matter how many experiences I have losing people it never gets easier. This seems like just a rough time of the year and I haven't handled every situation in the best way and I'm sorry for that. I know I'm not the only person who has lost someone and who will lose more but I do know that we have the Plan of Salvation and the Lord is taking care of it all. He will share our sadness and our load. I however can barley handle my own load and I have realized it is a lot easier to bare your own load when you are serving and helping others with theirs. There are people out there who need me more than I need me (does that make sense?) Again I'm am sorry if it feels like I haven't been there for you when you were having a hard time, this is a hard time for me too. I am going to work harder on that. Please understand I love you all and I am here I just had a rough patch. I shared my story with you in hopes that you'll understand I know how you feel. 

Smile though your heart is achingSmile even though it's breaking.When there are clouds in the skyyou'll get by.
If you smile through your fear and sorrowSmile and maybe tomorrowYou'll see the sun come shining throughFor you.
Light up your face with gladness,Hide every trace of sadness.Although a tear may be ever so nearThat's the time you must keep on tryingSmile, what's the use of crying.You'll find that life is still worthwhile-If you just smile.

This song sums it up for me. :)