Smile Though Your Heart is Aching

This isn't a pitty party, just my thoughts laid out for all of you.

I first experienced the death of a loved one when I was six years old. It was a cloudy day in Wyoming on January 14, 1999 (that day is also my closest cousins birthday so of course I was at his birthday party.) I remember my Grandma asking my older cousin to drive us to my house early, and most of the time I wouldn't want to leave the party early but this time I knew something was up and I was ok with leaving. We pulled into the drive way and I think I stopped breathing for what seemed like endless minutes. My sisters all came outside and I could tell they were crying, if you have not experienced the death of a loved one then you may not understand that no matter how old you are or where you are, you know the moment when they are gone. I knew he was gone. I had never had anyone I'd known die before so death was never explained to me and yet it seemed like I understood everything. I cried and cried, and it wasn't long before I fell asleep on the floor under my bed curled up in a ball. After that everything else is a blur, I can't tell you when the funeral was, or the events that took place the rest of the year. I can tell you I remember how I felt, and how much it hurts. I know that he went to a better place and that my family is stronger because we didn't have a man to do the hard things for us. There are so many lessons to be learned from every experience you have and I am pretty good about having a positive attitude about it because I know that, but I am human and I have weaknesses. I still cry and I still have a hard time this time of the year.

Now since then I have lost many close friends and family members and it seems like no matter how many experiences I have losing people it never gets easier. This seems like just a rough time of the year and I haven't handled every situation in the best way and I'm sorry for that. I know I'm not the only person who has lost someone and who will lose more but I do know that we have the Plan of Salvation and the Lord is taking care of it all. He will share our sadness and our load. I however can barley handle my own load and I have realized it is a lot easier to bare your own load when you are serving and helping others with theirs. There are people out there who need me more than I need me (does that make sense?) Again I'm am sorry if it feels like I haven't been there for you when you were having a hard time, this is a hard time for me too. I am going to work harder on that. Please understand I love you all and I am here I just had a rough patch. I shared my story with you in hopes that you'll understand I know how you feel. 

Smile though your heart is achingSmile even though it's breaking.When there are clouds in the skyyou'll get by.
If you smile through your fear and sorrowSmile and maybe tomorrowYou'll see the sun come shining throughFor you.
Light up your face with gladness,Hide every trace of sadness.Although a tear may be ever so nearThat's the time you must keep on tryingSmile, what's the use of crying.You'll find that life is still worthwhile-If you just smile.

This song sums it up for me. :)

Expect the Worst?

Everyone has experiences where they lay a lot down on the line, when you do this it's all about the risk. When you're taking a risk there are usually two outcomes; good and bad. Being a girl, we always overanalyze everything! So of course I was faced with an experience reccently which just so happened to include all of this, there it is me laying a lot down on the line, taking a risk, and overanalyzing it all. Now before I decided to take action I thought about the pros and cons of what I was about to do. After comparing them I decided to look at the outcome. When you make a decision there are essentially many outcomes but any outcome can be split into two catagories; good and bad. This is where it all goes into overanalyze overdrive, and it all becomes a "what if..." situation. In this specific case I thought the outcome would probablity favor the bad side. I really, really wanted a good resault but I automatically assumed it would end badly.

After I took the risk and made a decison, the outcome was a combination of good and bad, and not what I was expecting (I didn't I would be able to guess the right outcome anyways but I tired haha.) I started to think about the common phrase "expect the worst and hope for the best." I wasn't completely convinced that this is the right thing to do, so I posted a status on Facebook asking my friends their opinion about the phrase and this is what I got...

"it's a good preparation strategy, but it may effect your attitude in a way you don't want it to, it's hard to say...I guess it depends on the circumstances"

This is very true, I don't think it's the best preparation strategy but it is something we are guilty of at some point. This kind of attitude will effect you no matter what and in certain circumstances it isn't the best or for some it is. Using this strategy means you have to be careful and don't let it set you up for failure.

"All I can say on that is what president Monson said related to that; " your future is only as bright as your faith.""

Thomas S. Monson is the Prophet or President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon.) I am a Mormon and I know that what he says is true, this person quoted him saying "your future is as bright as your faith." This is one of those quotes that I believe in with all of my heart and something that I think about often. The relation this quote has with the phrase is that if you have faith that it will work out and you out forth the effort and try than the Lord will bless you. The outcome may not be what you want or even expect but if it is then score! and if not than learn from it and hey at least you can say you tried. If you try ( and I did) than have faith that the Lord will make the outcome exactly what you need.

"how about hope for the best and prepare for the worst"

To me hope and faith go hand in hand, if you hope and have faith for the best and prepare yourself for the worst than you aren't setting yourself for failure or dispointment. In a way you need to prepare for both the best and the worst because you're taking a risk and it is going to have an effect on you either way. If you hope for the best than the worst almost doesn't seem as bad.

"No way Ashlie.... Hope for the best, and have faith that it will happen. Then if not, you hope for something better!"

I love my friends and how smart they are. This friend is exactly right and as I already said hope and have faith for the best and if that doeesn't happen then learn from it and hope for more!

"I do that way if the worst happens it's easier to accept."

I disagree with this friend because in a way it doesn't make the worst easier to accept in my case.

"prepare for the worst and expect the best."

This was practically said already and the two important words are prepare and expect. Thats what decisions are about preparing and expecting but it all depends on you and your decisions.

"How bad is the worst, Ashlie?"

Now this is my favorite because she asked me directly "how bad is the worst? " My reply to her is, Ahh you got me! The worst isn't really that bad, well it feels bad at first but having faith means you should learn from it and not let it be the worst. Therefore the worst is what you make it and in this case the worst is not that bad, it may hurt for awhile and even cause some tears, but if I allow it, it can make me stronger and more confident in my future decision.

That last one really made me think and almost made me feel lame that I hadn't thought about it before. I can say after thi about it that way I am glad I made the decision and took a risk. As I have said my resaults were good and bad and I'm still not sure if I got the answer but I can look back and say that I don't regret and I know that if I hadn't taken the risk then I would have regreted it. Before I was expecting the worst and not even really considering the best but now, now I know next time I take a risk I'll hope for the best and learn from the worst. Thanks to all my friends who took the time to give me feedback and even to read this rampage. :)

You Know What's funny?

It's funny when people think everything is going to change once the new year comes. I mean some set new year's resolutions but in all honesty things change all the time nothing huge is going to change now that it's a new year. I'm sure you said the same thing last year, and is there a huge difference? No, probably not.

Maybe I'm not logged into life.

Ah, so blogging is kind of like writing in a journal, except, people get to read it. Which may or may not make it more interesting. As of today I'm going to share with you my story. I don't intend on getting on here everyday (my life isn't that interesting) but I might as well write a little something, something when I do get on.
Ok so my question is, is it possible to apply for like every job you can think of? I swear I've tried, and nothing...

The Sick Rose

The Sick Rose

William Blake

O Rose, thou art sick!

The invisible worm

that flies in the night,

in the howling storm,

Has found out thy bed

of crimson joy,

and his dark secret love

does thy life destroy?

This poem is interesting to me mostly because the worm that makes the rose sick is invisible, and how can a worm fly? Any who, the rose is sick because the worm has found out the roses dar secret. It is almost like the worm is guilt or some feeling that makes you sick but not sick like a cold, but sick like sad or bitter. Is it that the love for the dark secret is what is destroying the rose? Could be possible. The poem is two quatrain stanzas and is only two sentences. The first sentence is stating that the rose is sick, the second is asking if "his dark secret love does thy life destroy?" This is interesting and is something you can answer on your own from personal experience.

this is a photograph of me

this is a photograph of me

Margaret Atwood

It was taken some time ago

At first it seems to be

a smeared

print: blurred lines and grey flecks

blended with the paper;

then, as you scan

it, you see in the left-hand corner

a thing that is like a branch: part of a tree

(basalm or spruce) emerging

and to the right, halfway up

what ought to be a gentle

slope, a small frame house.

In the background there is a lake,

and beyond that, some low hills.

(The photograph was taken

the day after I drowned.

I am in the lake, in the center

of the picture, just under the surface.

It is difficult to say where

precisely, or to say

how large or small I am:

the effect of water

on light is a distortion

but if you look long enough,

eventually

you will be able to see me.)

Wow, there is so much to think about in this poem. Lyndsey and I are presenting this poem to the class. As I read through the poem I started drawing the picture in my mind, then as I read it the second time I drew the picture on paper. It terrifies me thinking about the picture as it sums up as a whole. The beginning is simply a picture that is slightly blurred and possibly in black and white. On the surface of the picture is a lake and hills behind a house. The branch in the left corner (as described) gives the idea that the picture was taken not in the open but almost as a secret. After the picture is described Margaret Atwood ends the last four stanzas in parenthesis which is kind of odd but has deep meaning. The first three stanzas are like you are looking at a picture but the words in the parenthesis make you feel like you are part of the picture and the use of parenthesis are what make words (or those words) fit into the poem or sentence. As depressing as it sounds I can relate to that feeling of being in the picture but not "really" being there. Everyone has those times when you are there but you can't see yourself there or even feel it. The feeling that the water (although it is clear) is covering you up, and it takes time to eventually see you.

Altogether the poem is seven stanzas long, the title is not capitalized and colons and semi-colons are commonly used. The poem doesn't seem like just a poem but a picture, a thought, but mostly a feeling.

Last weeks response

In our last poetry packet there was a poem titled Sort of a Song by, William carlos Williams, and in the new poetry packet is another poem by William Carlos Williams titled, this is just to say the title of the poem contributes to the poem a lot. The poem is three quatrain stanzas. The first stanza pretty much says, look I ate the plums in the fridge, the second one says, I think they were for breakfast and the last one says, forgive me. It is a simple poem that is just what it says. There is no punctuation or capitalization which also contributes the simplisity. Compared to the other poem we read by Williams this one is simple, the other one goes into great detail.

It was weird because I was on the phone with Monique Ramos as I was writting my blogs and I was on this one and hadn't picked a poem yet. I looked down and saw this poem thinking I may responed to this one but before making my final decision I asked her which one she is presenting to the class thinking I could do hers. She told me she was presenting the one about plums which happens to be this one. I thought that was funny so we went over it together, and she told me what she thought about how simple it is and I agreed then thought maybe I shouldn't do this one because of the simplisity. I thought about it a little longer and decided oh well if it's simple I want to do it. So here it is.

I like plums!