Smile Though Your Heart is Aching

This isn't a pitty party, just my thoughts laid out for all of you.

I first experienced the death of a loved one when I was six years old. It was a cloudy day in Wyoming on January 14, 1999 (that day is also my closest cousins birthday so of course I was at his birthday party.) I remember my Grandma asking my older cousin to drive us to my house early, and most of the time I wouldn't want to leave the party early but this time I knew something was up and I was ok with leaving. We pulled into the drive way and I think I stopped breathing for what seemed like endless minutes. My sisters all came outside and I could tell they were crying, if you have not experienced the death of a loved one then you may not understand that no matter how old you are or where you are, you know the moment when they are gone. I knew he was gone. I had never had anyone I'd known die before so death was never explained to me and yet it seemed like I understood everything. I cried and cried, and it wasn't long before I fell asleep on the floor under my bed curled up in a ball. After that everything else is a blur, I can't tell you when the funeral was, or the events that took place the rest of the year. I can tell you I remember how I felt, and how much it hurts. I know that he went to a better place and that my family is stronger because we didn't have a man to do the hard things for us. There are so many lessons to be learned from every experience you have and I am pretty good about having a positive attitude about it because I know that, but I am human and I have weaknesses. I still cry and I still have a hard time this time of the year.

Now since then I have lost many close friends and family members and it seems like no matter how many experiences I have losing people it never gets easier. This seems like just a rough time of the year and I haven't handled every situation in the best way and I'm sorry for that. I know I'm not the only person who has lost someone and who will lose more but I do know that we have the Plan of Salvation and the Lord is taking care of it all. He will share our sadness and our load. I however can barley handle my own load and I have realized it is a lot easier to bare your own load when you are serving and helping others with theirs. There are people out there who need me more than I need me (does that make sense?) Again I'm am sorry if it feels like I haven't been there for you when you were having a hard time, this is a hard time for me too. I am going to work harder on that. Please understand I love you all and I am here I just had a rough patch. I shared my story with you in hopes that you'll understand I know how you feel. 

Smile though your heart is achingSmile even though it's breaking.When there are clouds in the skyyou'll get by.
If you smile through your fear and sorrowSmile and maybe tomorrowYou'll see the sun come shining throughFor you.
Light up your face with gladness,Hide every trace of sadness.Although a tear may be ever so nearThat's the time you must keep on tryingSmile, what's the use of crying.You'll find that life is still worthwhile-If you just smile.

This song sums it up for me. :)

Expect the Worst?

Everyone has experiences where they lay a lot down on the line, when you do this it's all about the risk. When you're taking a risk there are usually two outcomes; good and bad. Being a girl, we always overanalyze everything! So of course I was faced with an experience reccently which just so happened to include all of this, there it is me laying a lot down on the line, taking a risk, and overanalyzing it all. Now before I decided to take action I thought about the pros and cons of what I was about to do. After comparing them I decided to look at the outcome. When you make a decision there are essentially many outcomes but any outcome can be split into two catagories; good and bad. This is where it all goes into overanalyze overdrive, and it all becomes a "what if..." situation. In this specific case I thought the outcome would probablity favor the bad side. I really, really wanted a good resault but I automatically assumed it would end badly.

After I took the risk and made a decison, the outcome was a combination of good and bad, and not what I was expecting (I didn't I would be able to guess the right outcome anyways but I tired haha.) I started to think about the common phrase "expect the worst and hope for the best." I wasn't completely convinced that this is the right thing to do, so I posted a status on Facebook asking my friends their opinion about the phrase and this is what I got...

"it's a good preparation strategy, but it may effect your attitude in a way you don't want it to, it's hard to say...I guess it depends on the circumstances"

This is very true, I don't think it's the best preparation strategy but it is something we are guilty of at some point. This kind of attitude will effect you no matter what and in certain circumstances it isn't the best or for some it is. Using this strategy means you have to be careful and don't let it set you up for failure.

"All I can say on that is what president Monson said related to that; " your future is only as bright as your faith.""

Thomas S. Monson is the Prophet or President of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (Mormon.) I am a Mormon and I know that what he says is true, this person quoted him saying "your future is as bright as your faith." This is one of those quotes that I believe in with all of my heart and something that I think about often. The relation this quote has with the phrase is that if you have faith that it will work out and you out forth the effort and try than the Lord will bless you. The outcome may not be what you want or even expect but if it is then score! and if not than learn from it and hey at least you can say you tried. If you try ( and I did) than have faith that the Lord will make the outcome exactly what you need.

"how about hope for the best and prepare for the worst"

To me hope and faith go hand in hand, if you hope and have faith for the best and prepare yourself for the worst than you aren't setting yourself for failure or dispointment. In a way you need to prepare for both the best and the worst because you're taking a risk and it is going to have an effect on you either way. If you hope for the best than the worst almost doesn't seem as bad.

"No way Ashlie.... Hope for the best, and have faith that it will happen. Then if not, you hope for something better!"

I love my friends and how smart they are. This friend is exactly right and as I already said hope and have faith for the best and if that doeesn't happen then learn from it and hope for more!

"I do that way if the worst happens it's easier to accept."

I disagree with this friend because in a way it doesn't make the worst easier to accept in my case.

"prepare for the worst and expect the best."

This was practically said already and the two important words are prepare and expect. Thats what decisions are about preparing and expecting but it all depends on you and your decisions.

"How bad is the worst, Ashlie?"

Now this is my favorite because she asked me directly "how bad is the worst? " My reply to her is, Ahh you got me! The worst isn't really that bad, well it feels bad at first but having faith means you should learn from it and not let it be the worst. Therefore the worst is what you make it and in this case the worst is not that bad, it may hurt for awhile and even cause some tears, but if I allow it, it can make me stronger and more confident in my future decision.

That last one really made me think and almost made me feel lame that I hadn't thought about it before. I can say after thi about it that way I am glad I made the decision and took a risk. As I have said my resaults were good and bad and I'm still not sure if I got the answer but I can look back and say that I don't regret and I know that if I hadn't taken the risk then I would have regreted it. Before I was expecting the worst and not even really considering the best but now, now I know next time I take a risk I'll hope for the best and learn from the worst. Thanks to all my friends who took the time to give me feedback and even to read this rampage. :)

You Know What's funny?

It's funny when people think everything is going to change once the new year comes. I mean some set new year's resolutions but in all honesty things change all the time nothing huge is going to change now that it's a new year. I'm sure you said the same thing last year, and is there a huge difference? No, probably not.

Maybe I'm not logged into life.

Ah, so blogging is kind of like writing in a journal, except, people get to read it. Which may or may not make it more interesting. As of today I'm going to share with you my story. I don't intend on getting on here everyday (my life isn't that interesting) but I might as well write a little something, something when I do get on.
Ok so my question is, is it possible to apply for like every job you can think of? I swear I've tried, and nothing...

The Sick Rose

The Sick Rose

William Blake

O Rose, thou art sick!

The invisible worm

that flies in the night,

in the howling storm,

Has found out thy bed

of crimson joy,

and his dark secret love

does thy life destroy?

This poem is interesting to me mostly because the worm that makes the rose sick is invisible, and how can a worm fly? Any who, the rose is sick because the worm has found out the roses dar secret. It is almost like the worm is guilt or some feeling that makes you sick but not sick like a cold, but sick like sad or bitter. Is it that the love for the dark secret is what is destroying the rose? Could be possible. The poem is two quatrain stanzas and is only two sentences. The first sentence is stating that the rose is sick, the second is asking if "his dark secret love does thy life destroy?" This is interesting and is something you can answer on your own from personal experience.

this is a photograph of me

this is a photograph of me

Margaret Atwood

It was taken some time ago

At first it seems to be

a smeared

print: blurred lines and grey flecks

blended with the paper;

then, as you scan

it, you see in the left-hand corner

a thing that is like a branch: part of a tree

(basalm or spruce) emerging

and to the right, halfway up

what ought to be a gentle

slope, a small frame house.

In the background there is a lake,

and beyond that, some low hills.

(The photograph was taken

the day after I drowned.

I am in the lake, in the center

of the picture, just under the surface.

It is difficult to say where

precisely, or to say

how large or small I am:

the effect of water

on light is a distortion

but if you look long enough,

eventually

you will be able to see me.)

Wow, there is so much to think about in this poem. Lyndsey and I are presenting this poem to the class. As I read through the poem I started drawing the picture in my mind, then as I read it the second time I drew the picture on paper. It terrifies me thinking about the picture as it sums up as a whole. The beginning is simply a picture that is slightly blurred and possibly in black and white. On the surface of the picture is a lake and hills behind a house. The branch in the left corner (as described) gives the idea that the picture was taken not in the open but almost as a secret. After the picture is described Margaret Atwood ends the last four stanzas in parenthesis which is kind of odd but has deep meaning. The first three stanzas are like you are looking at a picture but the words in the parenthesis make you feel like you are part of the picture and the use of parenthesis are what make words (or those words) fit into the poem or sentence. As depressing as it sounds I can relate to that feeling of being in the picture but not "really" being there. Everyone has those times when you are there but you can't see yourself there or even feel it. The feeling that the water (although it is clear) is covering you up, and it takes time to eventually see you.

Altogether the poem is seven stanzas long, the title is not capitalized and colons and semi-colons are commonly used. The poem doesn't seem like just a poem but a picture, a thought, but mostly a feeling.

Last weeks response

In our last poetry packet there was a poem titled Sort of a Song by, William carlos Williams, and in the new poetry packet is another poem by William Carlos Williams titled, this is just to say the title of the poem contributes to the poem a lot. The poem is three quatrain stanzas. The first stanza pretty much says, look I ate the plums in the fridge, the second one says, I think they were for breakfast and the last one says, forgive me. It is a simple poem that is just what it says. There is no punctuation or capitalization which also contributes the simplisity. Compared to the other poem we read by Williams this one is simple, the other one goes into great detail.

It was weird because I was on the phone with Monique Ramos as I was writting my blogs and I was on this one and hadn't picked a poem yet. I looked down and saw this poem thinking I may responed to this one but before making my final decision I asked her which one she is presenting to the class thinking I could do hers. She told me she was presenting the one about plums which happens to be this one. I thought that was funny so we went over it together, and she told me what she thought about how simple it is and I agreed then thought maybe I shouldn't do this one because of the simplisity. I thought about it a little longer and decided oh well if it's simple I want to do it. So here it is.

I like plums!

Late number 3

Oh No by Robert Creeley is a simple yet interesting poem. The main idea from the poem is death isn't really that bad. Once you've died you make it to wherever you believe in and your friends will be there waiting for you. Your chair will be nice. The poem is the authors interpretation of death and what happens when you die. Once you make it where you're going you will belong there as do your friends, and it's a good place because your friends are smiling and happy to see you. Robert Creeley was an American author who wrote poems and books. The style of the poem is short it is only two quatrain stanzas. There is only one comma and one period at the end of the poem. The first stanza describes the distance you go to get "there" and the second stanza describes the people and the place in short description. Oh No is an interesting title because it almost seems irrelievent to the poem, but maybe just maybe it's how the person started on the journey in an accidental way. Either way the title contributes to the poem in some way. The poem just doesn't seem to go further than that.

Late number 2

Music is truly a beautiful thing and to incorporate any relation of music into a poem is wonderful. 'The Guitarist Tunes Up" by Frances Cornford does that exact thing. The poem describes the guitarist as he prepares to play the guitar, but not as conqueror but as a lover. The guitarest can play the instrument simply because he has love from the woman he plans to play with. He isn't only going to play a guitar but going to be in love; he won't participate in love as a "lordly conqueror" but as a man in love. The whole poem is one sentence with an aa, bb, cc, dd rhyme scheme; the rhythm brings out the musical sense. Playing the guitar is a metaphore for the man's love and in the end the man and the woman play love together. A different way of looking at it is that the guitar is his lover because the last two lines say, "What slight essential things she had to say before they started, he and she, to play." The "she" is the guitar and the reason he doesn't play the guitar like a "lordly conqueror" is because he loves her (the guitar) for the music she makes. Wow it's funny how deep I thought about the poem at first and half way through my response I realized it's as easy as that, the guitarist loves the guitar and that is why he plays her.

Late number 1

I'm missing four poetry responses and this is the first one. I'm using the new poetry packet for all of them.

you fit into me
like a hook into an eye

a fish hook
an open eye
by Margaret Atwood

I found this poem very interesting after reading it a few times. Although it is short the analysis is interesting. In the first stanza she explains how "you" fit's into "me" and then clearifys that the hook is a fish hook and the eye is open. There are manys ways to take this poem in and I thought of it as sad. The thing fitting into her is a fish hook which is small and sharp and the fact that the eye is open makes the relationship of whatever is fitting into her hurtful. I wouldn't want a fish hook in my eye. The thing that fits isn't a good thing because of the metaphore of it fitting like a hook into an eye. Maybe this is a metaphor for love and how love hurts. Fish hooks are small and the love fitting into her is a fish hook making that fit a small fit. The first stanza opens the possibility of a positive relationship but the second stanza corrects it with the bitter hook and eye.

"It was a Dream"

"It was a Dream" is a sonnet by Lucille Clifton. Within the poem the author uses words like "me" and "my" but then tells the story in third person because the poem is explaining the dream she has about herself. The dream is more a nightmare of what she has become. "This." is repeated three times at the end of the poem to express the importance of what she has become. My thoughts were that the poem explains someone yelling at himself/herself for who he/she is. The poem has no capitalization except "This" at the end and there aren't very many stresses. There are only two periods used and just enough punctuation to help understand what's happening. There are fourteen lines which would make the poem a sonnet but there is no rhythem so it's a free verse. Lucille Clifton is an African American poet who just died last year due to cancer. She was proud of who she was being a woman of color, and that changes the poem. Maybe it's not a nightmare; it may just be a dream of becoming greater than who are and how dreams can come true. After researching Lucille Clifton it makes sense when she states in the poem "accussing me of my life with her extra finger." The women in Lucille's family where born with a genetic disorder called polydactyly which means they were born with an extra finger. Lucille Clifton and her poem means so much more now.

The Second Late Response.

Last week we went over the poem, "Introduction to Poetry" by Billy Collins, I had a bit to say but didn't get the chance, so here it is. We did read this poem at the beginning of the year and I realized this within the first two lines. I remembered this poem easily because I really apprceiate it and agree with it. The poem is seven stanzas with each stanza containing either one line, a couplet, or a tercet. The metaphores used in this poem are fantastic. It made me think that what we are doing right now is exactly what the poem says not to do. We are beating each poem with a hose and obviously it's what you have to do sometimes because you can't just leave a poetry response blank on the AP Lit tests. Each poem creates a light or an idea in your head and by analysing it we turn on the light or think the idea. "Waterski across the surface of a poem" I'm going to do just that and leave it at that.

On of the Late Ones.

Today I decided to try something different and start my blog with what I noticed about the poem just glancing at it. I haven't read the poem yet and I notice that the authors style is different the poem is one stanza with fourteen lines; this means that this is a sonnet. The title is "Praise in Summer" and it's writen by Richard Wilbur. Now I'm going to read the poem. It doesn't make complete sense right now but does create the image of summer in my head. Wilbur uses the term "I said" often throughout the poem, which clarifys that he is speaking. The poem refers to how being praisful is the way to be and Wilburs love for nature. Things won't be strange if you are praisful. A brief summary on Richard Wilbur is that he was in WWII and while he wrote poetry he also translated French plays.

Response

"Sort of a Song" by William Carlos Williams is the poem I have decided to do this week. The poem is separated into two sestets: there are two stanzas. The first stanza explains how words are like a snake. The poem is more like a song as the title referes too. Both a writter of poetry or song have ideas like the movement of the snake. Most writters think quick and have to quickly write down their thoughts, which then sit there and wait to be read or sung. The second stanza reads,

"-through metaphor to reconcile

the people and the stones.

Compose. (No ideas

but in things) Invent!

Saxifrage is my flower that splits

the rocks."

The thoughts in this stanza is maybe that metaphors are the thoughts that split the rocks. The style of the lines and phrases is short and the tempo seems almost speedy but understanding. (the picture above is the saxifrage flower.)

Number 4

" The Book" by Miller Williams is a very odd poem about a notebook bound in skin. This disgust me and made me upset. The first time I read it I was confused wheather this skin bound book was a metaphor or a real book wrapped in skin. The second line in the poem says, "He had ound it in a fallen bunker" which helps make sense of the poem. The second time I read it, I read it allowed to my friend Emily. I announced to her how gross this poem was and then read it to her. before she began to tell me about how the wife a Nazi leader would have jews killed and skinned if she liked tattoos that they had and use their skin as lamp shades and other furniture coverings: which is terrible. Te meaning of the book is now different for the person in the poem because in the first three stanza's including the first line the author doesn't know what the book is bound in but knows the importance inside the book. After finding out that is is bound in skin many unanswered questions are asked, "what child did this skin fit?" The last stanza shows the change and the horror the book now holds in place of beauty. There are seven stanzas and they range from one to five lines. Only the last stanza has rhyeming the rest almost seems to fit together like a story. The author seems like he used free style with this poem.

Untitled.

This is my first blog of 2011, and it is also my first poetry response for second semester. I decided to start off with the poem titled, Untitled by Stephen Crane. The poem is more of an image. I could see this creature eating it's own heart and enjoying it. The thought disgusts me, and maybe it's because the creature's heart is bitter and that's what makes it so good or because it's bitter. At first i thought of just the image and how gross it is but as I thought more deeply about it I thought of suicide or something simular too it. The creature is eating itself and enjoying it. Then I asked the obvious question- Why is it called untitled? Is it because it's almost vague or because the title Untitled is just that. The authors style is odd as well; it is one stanza of ten lines. Half of it is a conversation: a question and an answer, which make the poem what it is. The creature answered saying, "bitter" twice which is what makes you believe the heart is truly bitter. After all maybe the poem isn't too digusting but almost bitter- yes, bitter.

Only a Snow Man Can

This is this weeks poetry response. I'm starting to feel the cold weather so The Snow Man by Wallace Stevens stuck out to me this week. The poem is simple, only four stanzas with only three lines each. "Pine-trees crusted with snow," makes me think of all the pine trees that surround us here in Colorado and how they look when it snows. He says "one must have a mind of winter" this is true when winter is here and you look out your window you see the snow covered ground and trees. With the first snow people start to think about winter; getting their snow boots and coats out. "In the sound of a few leaves, Which is the sound of the land Full of the same wind That is blowing in the same bare place," this shows famililarity and consistency. Some of the only things that are consistant is the season, winter, spring, summer and fall. That is what is nice is knowing that winter is coming or going and so is the feelings of winter. Brrr I'm getting cold just reading the poem, so I'm going to go get some hot chocolate.

Under Water Experience.

This is last weeks poetry response cause I kind of forgot about it. On Reading Poems to a Senior Class At South High by D.C. Berry is the poem I choose this week. I found this poem to be inspiring. D.C. Berry has a splendid way of creating an image in your head as you read this poem. It feels as though the poem comes to life every time my partner and I have to do poetry in class. The experience is fitting: I could see myself as one of the "fishes" in the "aquarium" listening to Mrs. White help up pick apart poems. I could also see myself as the teacher slowly drowning in the water trying to teach the fishes poetry. The poem exposes the feeling of teaching poetry through an allegory. The first stanza says, "I noticed them sitting there as orderly as frozen fishin a package," I thought of this as fish that have been killed (not in a gory mean way) just simply bored or waiting for life. Then as the reader begins to read the poem the room fills with water and becomes an aquarium with live fish. It ends with the cat bringing him back life which is ironic because cat's eat fish. The poem was just intriguing to me. The imagination is fasinating and almost childlike which again is ironic because he is reading to a senior class. Imagining our classroom fill with water and Ana Garcia, Corey Coffman and the rest of our class swim around like fish makes me wish I was a kid again.

Once Upon A Spooky Night.

This is how it goes... Being a senior of course I procrastinated with my poetry blog and was like "hey I'm old and Halloween is for the young so I can do it Sunday!" Then I started watching Shutter Island with Emily Kirk and Ellen Lenz my best friends and we fell asleep by nine. When I arrived to my house around ten knowing it was a school night I was suddenly kidnapped by gouls and goblins. Hence I'm not writing my blog this week. The end.

P.S. Happy Halloween

Did Curiosity Kill the Cat?

According to Alastair Reid "Curiosity will not cause us to die- only the lack of it will." The reasoning is in the beginning of poem: the cat did not die because it was curious, it was just not lucky. When I read this poem I felt like it wasn't a poem at all but merely like reading someone's thoughts on death or curiosity. This is odd because I've been known as the one in my family that is the most curious and being curious has helped and hurt me. To be curious means you want more knowledge and that is the greatest thing of all, is to gain more knowledge. I agree it is " Only the curious have, if they live, a tale worth telling at all." Some of the most heroic or advanturous people had to be curious to begin their journey. Christopher Columbus, Martin Luther King Jr., even Helen Keller had to be curious, and it is their stories in which we learn about repeatedly in school. In the poem Reid personifies cats and dogs; it is as if the dogs and cats were human. Cats are the ones who are curious and live, and dogs are the ones who die with no story to tell and no life that was lived because to live you have to be curious. The conclusion of the poem is astonishing, Reid says, "dying is what the living do, and the dying is what the loving do- dying is what, to live, each has to do." You have to live to die and you have to die to live- even if that means you have to be curious. The poem starts off as a thought toward being curious and ends in how to live or die.